I’ll be the first to say I don’t like period pieces but the trailer for The Northman caught my eye. The movie stars Nicole never not working Kidman, Anya Taylor-Joy, Alexander Johan Hjalmar Skarsgård, and some other pretty well-known actors. You will need some Norse mythology knowledge to truly understand and delve deeper into the film but this is not that review.
First things first, it’s a gory – at some point just plain disgusting (like why were they farting, barking, and licking out of bowls like dogs, burping in Willem Dafoe’s face..?) movie about vengeance. So if you’re not into that go ahead and skip this one.
One thing I can say about the movie is that it never really gets too slow there is something always happening for you to either be like WTH or wincing in your seat.
King Aurvandill and the boys are back from war and having a bit of a feast with his son Amleth, and his Wife Queen Gudrún. The movie pops off with the plot when the Queen is accused of sleeping with the King’s brother Fjölnir (you don’t have to dig too deep – of course, she was sleeping with him).
One day the King and his son are out and all of a sudden they were attacked and the King really stood a zero percent chance of getting away. My mans had arrows at every side and it was pure luck that little Amleth managed to sit and watch as his uncle revealed that it was him who was finna take his Kingdom and murder his son. Amleth manages to escape on a boat screaming, “I will avenge you, Father! I will save you, Mother! I will kill you, Fjölnir!” – a line that will haunt your dreams lol
Time jump – Amleth is a great big violent Viking (I mean he was murdering innocent people and biting their necks off) he is seeking Fjölnir after the kingdom he stole fell. He jumps in a boat heading toward his uncle and decides to pretend to be a prisoner and this is where we meet the lovely Olga of the Birch Forest. Me and my best friend really took a pause to figure out why Anya Taylor-Joy has the most beautiful but also interesting face and we figured out it’s because she looks like a fairy – so cast her as the next live-action Tinker Bell.
There’s a little bit of a love story, my sword will save you and my future sons yada yada.. Anywho a lot of stuff goes down that we are going to skip for the sake of getting to the good part.
When he came to take his vengeance he took it like there was no heaven or hell to put him in – it was VIOLENT AF. I mean slaughtering people left and right, hanging people up, even went as far as killing his own half brother/cousin just to find outttttttt….
HIS MAMA WAS THE REAL VILLAIN…
The End.
LOL ok, I’ll give you a little bit more. Obviously, Amleth sees his momma and her two new kids with his Uncle and he thinks oh she must be a prisoner.
WRONG.
When he finally reveals who he is she lets him know how she ordered his dad’s death and his too. She went on to tell him this whole story about how she never wanted his daddy and he was just a bastard child and then……kissed him in the mouth….???
Probably the funniest scene to meeee personally because I’m childish is when Fjölnir goes to the back and leaves his wife and young son to get murdered (because that was obviously what was about to happen). It was the literal embodiment of “You talking about my man my man my man – your man left you for dead hoe”.
I give the movie a solid 5.5/10 if you’re into this kind of thing I think you will really enjoy it and should definitely watch!
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